my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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