Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
