she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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