i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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