your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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