I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
