I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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