It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
