Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
