I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
