my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
