No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
