I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
