I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
