It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize