Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
its not stalking. its research.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
