Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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