I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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