he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
