Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Your cock deserves a montage
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Randomize
