it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
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