If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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