i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
