If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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