It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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