who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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