I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
