I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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