How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
