it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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