So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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