go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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