literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
