We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize