I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
