I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize