My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
