she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
