No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
