I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
