i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
