Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
