I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize