Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
