he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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