i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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