So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
