I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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