I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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