Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
