Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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