Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
