You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
It was like getting head from an anaconda
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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