Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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