I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
