He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
