Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
