My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
