Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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