one might say we're banned from that church
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
